Time once again for another Top 5 List, this time of wonderfully bizarre products. The criterion for making the list is quite simple: it must make me wonder, “Do they really make that?” Laughing out loud is optional but highly preferable.

Number 5: Anti-Procrastination Course. Haha, right. Like I’ll ever get around to ordering this, even if it is on sale for a limited time. Or loading it on my computer if I order it. Or using it if by some miracle I get around to both ordering it and loading it on my computer.

Number 4: Retro handsets for cell phones. Are you ever nostalgic for the good old days of party lines and rotary-dial phones? Regain that old school feeling whilst still enjoying the benefits of cutting edge smart phone communication. Black is the retro-est, but it is also available in princess phone pink, Kremlin hotline red, white, and not-quite-so-60s blue, purple, and green.

Number 3: Bacon flavored and scented stuff. Thankfully, bacon is in once again, but I didn’t realize to what extent. Now you can get more than $40 worth of bacon stuff for just $39.95. What a bargain! That’s right – bacon flavored dental floss and toothpaste, lip balm, soap, bandaids, mints and lollipop, bendable figure and more!

Number 2: The CitiKitty Automatic Toilet Flusher. I knew that cats could be trained to go in the toilet, but what happens afterward? Never fear – there is a product that will flush once Kitty is finished with business, just like the toilets at the airport. Now to go figure out the payback period for a toilet-training kit ($25) plus a flusher kit ($189).

And Number 1: NoseFrida the Snot Sucker!  I have three children, so I spent my share of time wrestling to clear their stuffy little noses with a bulb syringe. Babies can put up quite a fight when they don’t want to do something. Nothing against the FridaBaby company or anything, but I have to wonder whether they would have pitched any less a fight against the NoseFrida. Then there’s the ick factor. Filter or not, I cannot imagine myself sucking my baby’s snot. Bonus! FridaBaby has two more products for your consideration: the Windi, for relieving blockages at the other end, from colic or constipation, and the environment friendly, recyclable, easy to clean, non–toxic foam FridaBaby Mat (be sure to keep an organic cider vinegar wash at hand for easy cleaning).

I came across this image during research for last week’s Rosie the Riveter post:

Now, that’s funny – Rosé the Riveter wine. Working Girl also offers Working Girl White, Go Girl Red, and Handyman Red. Too bad it’s not available in Missouri, but fortunately I now possess log-in information in case I want to make an online order.

I have a confession. I shop for wine by how interesting I find the label. The more artistic and quirky the label, the better. Since I’m in the mood for confession – I also shop by price. I have discovered plenty of decent inexpensive to moderately priced wines out there. Rarely will I pay more than $15 per bottle, but I have my limits on the low end, too. I tried Charles Shaw, aka “Two Buck Chuck,” and couldn’t drink it. I ended up using it and some herb-infused olive oil as a steak marinade.

Here are five of my favorite labels:

5. Benefactor Cellars

Trader Joe’s carries these Australian wines on a seasonal basis. They’re not great, but not awful either, and at just $5 per bottle, a lot of fun for Halloween or Día de los Muertos festivities.

4. Big House

We have a local microbrewery called Prison Brews, so these wines piqued my interest, especially after perusing this stellar website. Big House features witty names – The Usual Subject, Cardinal Zin, Pinot Evil – and most varieties are also available in 3L boxes. The winery mails out temporary tattoos upon request. Can’t wait to get mine.

3. Middle Sister

I am a middle sister, so this line has special appeal for me. These wines have clever names such as Rebel Red, Drama Queen, Smarty Pants and Goody Two-Shoes. I haven’t tried them all yet and will probably skip the sweet ones and the Moscato. Middle Sister also maintains an outstanding website with loads of information, recipes, music, games and quizzes, and a bunch of images so that one doesn’t have to search all over the Internet for them.

2. Mad Housewife

This has become my go-to wine. It’s fresh, fun, fruity and economical. Make that fresh, fun, fruity and frugal for fellow fans of alliteration. I prefer the merlot and cabernet over the chardonnay, but the white zinfandel is my favorite during warm weather months. It’s not too dry and not too sweet, but juuuust right.

Mad Housewife also has an entertaining website with recipes, contests and a store. You can even collect corks to redeem for Mad Housewife merchandise. I already have the tee shirts so I am currently saving up corks for their stylin’ apron.

1. Little Hills Winery

German immigrants found the climate and rolling hills of Missouri to be very similar to the homeland left behind; as a result we enjoy more than our fair share of wineries. Little Hills Winery is charming, award-winning, and its proprietor just happens to be my high school classmate David Campbell. The restaurant, tasting room and gift shop are located just down a cobblestone street from the first state capitol building in historic downtown St. Charles. It’s well worth a trip, but if that is not feasible Little Hills wines are available for online purchase. These wines are definitely worth suspending my sub-fifteen guideline.